badly_knitted (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
badly_knitted) wrote2025-07-21 06:00 pm
badly_knitted) wrote2025-07-21 06:00 pm
Entry tags:
BtVS Ficlet: Small Kindnesses
Title: Small Kindnesses
Fandom: BtVS
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Buffy.
Rating: PG
Setting: After Once More With Feeling.
Summary: Buffy feels raw and broken after being dragged out of heaven, but she’s trying to put a brave face on it.
Word Count: 620
Written For:
sheenianni’s prompt ‘Any, any, you try to hold back the cold; one word, one smile, one baked cookie at a time,’ at ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
threesentenceficathon.Disclaimer: I don’t own BtVS, or the characters.
Her friends hadn’t known what they’d done; that’s the only reason Buffy doesn’t hate them for it. If they’d known, maybe they wouldn’t have done it at all, wouldn’t have dragged her out of heaven, away from the peace, and warmth, and comfort, and well-deserved rest, back to this cold, hard, too bright, painful plane of existence. They hadn’t realised they were doing the cruellest thing they possibly could, had thought they were saving her from a fate even worse than dying. Their hearts were in the right place, and Buffy has tried to feel grateful for that, she just… can’t.
She can’t because everything hurts, and she feels wrong, and in the time she was dead she’d forgotten what it was like to be alive. It’s awful, worse than torture. She hates it, didn’t ask for it, doesn’t want it, and she’s afraid she’ll never get back to the place her friends ripped her from, but still she’s tried to hide her suffering from them. She’s done the best she can to pretend to be fine, and she thought it was working until the whole musical extravaganza, when it had all come out in song, and…
Now they know, all of it, everything she’s been feeling, everything she’s been thinking, and they’re shocked, but that’s really not surprising. They’re hurt that she didn’t tell them, and more than that, they feel bad, guilty, ashamed, for what they’ve done. Part of Buffy is glad, because maybe they deserve to hurt for the pain and misery they’ve put her through by making her live again. They really don’t deserve it though, so now SHE feels guilty for being glad they’re hurting.
She knows they hadn’t meant to hurt her, that it’s all a horrible misunderstanding, but everything is messed up in her head, anger and resentment along with the pain, confusion, self-doubt, and all the rest. She wishes she could hide away somewhere no one would ever look for her, so she wouldn’t have to face the world, wouldn’t have to face her sister and her friends, but as always, she doesn’t have that luxury. She’s the Slayer and she’s needed, so…
She tries to tell them she’s fine, even though she really isn’t, that she’s doing a little better every day, even though they all know that’s a lie she tells them to ease their guilt. Not that it helps even a tiny bit, but they’re trying to help her too, trying to ease the pain of the existence they forced on her, the existence she doesn’t want. They’re trying to show her they’re there for her, with words, and smiles, and little treats, and there’s a look in their eyes that says, ‘Is it working? Is it helping? Do you feel any better, any happier, any less out of place? Are we giving you any comfort al all? We just want you to be happy.’
She wishes she could say ‘Yes, you are helping, and I do appreciate everything you’re doing,’ but it would be a lie, and so they just go on trying to chase the cold from her bones with one encouraging word, one understanding smile, one freshly baked, still warm from the oven cookie at a time. And even though it really isn’t helping as much as they want it to, as much as SHE wants it to, she’s still grateful to them for trying. She’s grateful that they care so much about her, even though she’s not sure she deserves their kindness any more than she deserved to be in heaven in the first place, and she just wishes more than anything that she could stop feeling so broken inside and just feel normal again.
The End
She can’t because everything hurts, and she feels wrong, and in the time she was dead she’d forgotten what it was like to be alive. It’s awful, worse than torture. She hates it, didn’t ask for it, doesn’t want it, and she’s afraid she’ll never get back to the place her friends ripped her from, but still she’s tried to hide her suffering from them. She’s done the best she can to pretend to be fine, and she thought it was working until the whole musical extravaganza, when it had all come out in song, and…
Now they know, all of it, everything she’s been feeling, everything she’s been thinking, and they’re shocked, but that’s really not surprising. They’re hurt that she didn’t tell them, and more than that, they feel bad, guilty, ashamed, for what they’ve done. Part of Buffy is glad, because maybe they deserve to hurt for the pain and misery they’ve put her through by making her live again. They really don’t deserve it though, so now SHE feels guilty for being glad they’re hurting.
She knows they hadn’t meant to hurt her, that it’s all a horrible misunderstanding, but everything is messed up in her head, anger and resentment along with the pain, confusion, self-doubt, and all the rest. She wishes she could hide away somewhere no one would ever look for her, so she wouldn’t have to face the world, wouldn’t have to face her sister and her friends, but as always, she doesn’t have that luxury. She’s the Slayer and she’s needed, so…
She tries to tell them she’s fine, even though she really isn’t, that she’s doing a little better every day, even though they all know that’s a lie she tells them to ease their guilt. Not that it helps even a tiny bit, but they’re trying to help her too, trying to ease the pain of the existence they forced on her, the existence she doesn’t want. They’re trying to show her they’re there for her, with words, and smiles, and little treats, and there’s a look in their eyes that says, ‘Is it working? Is it helping? Do you feel any better, any happier, any less out of place? Are we giving you any comfort al all? We just want you to be happy.’
She wishes she could say ‘Yes, you are helping, and I do appreciate everything you’re doing,’ but it would be a lie, and so they just go on trying to chase the cold from her bones with one encouraging word, one understanding smile, one freshly baked, still warm from the oven cookie at a time. And even though it really isn’t helping as much as they want it to, as much as SHE wants it to, she’s still grateful to them for trying. She’s grateful that they care so much about her, even though she’s not sure she deserves their kindness any more than she deserved to be in heaven in the first place, and she just wishes more than anything that she could stop feeling so broken inside and just feel normal again.
The End
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