Ficlet: Parental Panic
Mar. 28th, 2025 05:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badly_knittedTitle: Parental Panic
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Ianto, Jack.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 691
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: Jack can turn anything into a drama of epic proportions, even something as simple as planning a holiday.
Written For:
lumiosecity’s prompt: any, any, “Do you want your children to get eaten by a bear?” at ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
threesentenceficathon.Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.
Sometimes, Ianto just didn’t understand his husband at all. He loved Jack, he wouldn’t have married him if he didn’t, and he was happy to make allowances for Jack’s little quirks and eccentricities, because after all, he’d grown up three millennia in the future, where customs and rules of etiquette were somewhat different, but understanding him was another matter altogether. Ianto had made one perfectly innocuous suggestion and…
“Do you want your children to get eaten by a bear?” Jack demanded, staring at Ianto as if he’d turned into some kind of ten-headed monster, right before his eyes. Ianto paused, confused and off-balance. Yes, Jack could be a drama queen at times, quite frequently in fact, but Ianto could usually follow his husband’s thought-processes well enough to have some clue as to the reason for his outbursts. This time, he was at a complete loss.
“Excuse me?” All he was trying to do was plan a fun family holiday for the two of them and their four children, especially since it might be the last one where Meriel would be joining them. She’d be heading off to university in the autumn, and would probably want to go on a trip with her friends next summer rather than hanging out with her parents and younger siblings.
“You want to take them to America! Sightseeing! At Yellowstone!” The horror in Jack’s voice made it sound as though Ianto intended to take their babies and throw them into an active volcano which, despite the twins driving him around the bend at times, had never crossed his mind. “Don’t you know they have wild bears there? And it’s not just the bears; there are so many dangerous creatures! I looked it up online, there might be wolves, and mountain lions, and snakes, and mooses, and… and… and… Beavers!”
“Beavers?” Perhaps it wasn’t the most tactful response, but Ianto couldn’t help chuckling at that.
“They have very sharp teeth from gnawing on trees!”
“I don’t think we need to worry about the beavers, Jack.”
“Okay, maybe not them, but what about the bears? They’re huge, and they have great big paws, and massive teeth! They could swallow Rosie in one gulp, she’s only little! Don’t you care about your children’s safety at all?”
“Of course I do, Jack. You’re being ridiculous.” Ianto understood his husband being overprotective when it came to their kids, he often felt the same way himself, but he didn’t invent dangers the way his husband was prone to.
“RIDICULOUS? ME? You’re the one who wants to take our poor, innocent babies camping where the wildlife might eat them, or trample them to death! A poisonous snake could sting them!”
“Bite, Jack, snakes don’t sting, they bite, and I’d hardly call the twins innocent.”
“Not the point! You want them to sleep in tents where a hungry bear could slash right through the flimsy canvas with one swipe of a gigantic paw! Our babies would be helpless!”
If anything, that just left Ianto even more confused. “Who said anything about sleeping in tents?”
“You did! I distinctly remember you saying something about camping!”
Ianto was forced to concede the point; he had referred to it being a camping holiday. “Well, yes, I did, but I was thinking more along the lines of renting a mobile home, one of those Winnebago things. If we had a tent, we’d have to chain the twins up at night to keep them inside. This way we’d just have to lock the door and keep the key where they couldn’t get it.”
Jack blinked, all the fight suddenly going out of him. “A Winnebago? You mean one of those big, metal camper vans?”
“Yes, one of those.”
“Oh, well, that’s alright then. The bears would need an awfully big can opener to break into one of those.” Just like that, Jack was all smiles. “Camping at Yellowstone sounds great, go ahead and book!”
Ianto relaxed, crisis over. Now the only thing he’d have to worry about was making sure Jack remembered to drive on the right side of the road when it was his turn behind the wheel.
The End
“Do you want your children to get eaten by a bear?” Jack demanded, staring at Ianto as if he’d turned into some kind of ten-headed monster, right before his eyes. Ianto paused, confused and off-balance. Yes, Jack could be a drama queen at times, quite frequently in fact, but Ianto could usually follow his husband’s thought-processes well enough to have some clue as to the reason for his outbursts. This time, he was at a complete loss.
“Excuse me?” All he was trying to do was plan a fun family holiday for the two of them and their four children, especially since it might be the last one where Meriel would be joining them. She’d be heading off to university in the autumn, and would probably want to go on a trip with her friends next summer rather than hanging out with her parents and younger siblings.
“You want to take them to America! Sightseeing! At Yellowstone!” The horror in Jack’s voice made it sound as though Ianto intended to take their babies and throw them into an active volcano which, despite the twins driving him around the bend at times, had never crossed his mind. “Don’t you know they have wild bears there? And it’s not just the bears; there are so many dangerous creatures! I looked it up online, there might be wolves, and mountain lions, and snakes, and mooses, and… and… and… Beavers!”
“Beavers?” Perhaps it wasn’t the most tactful response, but Ianto couldn’t help chuckling at that.
“They have very sharp teeth from gnawing on trees!”
“I don’t think we need to worry about the beavers, Jack.”
“Okay, maybe not them, but what about the bears? They’re huge, and they have great big paws, and massive teeth! They could swallow Rosie in one gulp, she’s only little! Don’t you care about your children’s safety at all?”
“Of course I do, Jack. You’re being ridiculous.” Ianto understood his husband being overprotective when it came to their kids, he often felt the same way himself, but he didn’t invent dangers the way his husband was prone to.
“RIDICULOUS? ME? You’re the one who wants to take our poor, innocent babies camping where the wildlife might eat them, or trample them to death! A poisonous snake could sting them!”
“Bite, Jack, snakes don’t sting, they bite, and I’d hardly call the twins innocent.”
“Not the point! You want them to sleep in tents where a hungry bear could slash right through the flimsy canvas with one swipe of a gigantic paw! Our babies would be helpless!”
If anything, that just left Ianto even more confused. “Who said anything about sleeping in tents?”
“You did! I distinctly remember you saying something about camping!”
Ianto was forced to concede the point; he had referred to it being a camping holiday. “Well, yes, I did, but I was thinking more along the lines of renting a mobile home, one of those Winnebago things. If we had a tent, we’d have to chain the twins up at night to keep them inside. This way we’d just have to lock the door and keep the key where they couldn’t get it.”
Jack blinked, all the fight suddenly going out of him. “A Winnebago? You mean one of those big, metal camper vans?”
“Yes, one of those.”
“Oh, well, that’s alright then. The bears would need an awfully big can opener to break into one of those.” Just like that, Jack was all smiles. “Camping at Yellowstone sounds great, go ahead and book!”
Ianto relaxed, crisis over. Now the only thing he’d have to worry about was making sure Jack remembered to drive on the right side of the road when it was his turn behind the wheel.
The End
(no subject)
Date: 2025-03-28 07:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2025-03-28 07:44 pm (UTC)Thank you!