Ficlet: Machine Error
Mar. 31st, 2025 05:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badly_knittedTitle: Machine Error
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Ianto, Jack.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 805
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: Some days seem to be just one disaster after another.
Written For: The prompt: any, any, “carrots no, parrots yes”, at
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threesentenceficathon.Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.
“Oh, for the love of…” Ianto trailed off, feeling a sudden urge to go and hide in the deepest depths of the archives until the day was over, just so he could avoid having to deal with the fallout of anything else that decided to try his patience. Not that he had much patience left at this point.
Apparently the universe had decided it was Be Mean to Ianto Day. It seemed like everything that could possibly go wrong had decided today was the perfect time to do just that, and he was already sick of having to clean up the inevitable mess from each new disaster. Just once it would be nice to have a day when everything went smoothly, but today clearly wasn’t going to be it. With a put-upon sigh he made his way back up to the main Hub.
By the time he got there, he’d realised that he wasn’t to blame for this latest disaster, but he had a pretty good idea who was. Dragging the remains of his tattered dignity around himself, he straightened his shoulders and marched up to Jack’s office. He didn’t even bother knocking, just stalked straight in, looking every bit as annoyed as he felt.
“Jack?”
“Ianto!” Jack greeted, looking up from his paperwork with a wide smile, bravely ignoring the expression on his lover’s face. He knew the worst Ianto could do to him was kill him, and since that was never permanent, it wasn’t worth worrying about. “What can I do for you?”
All Jack’s cheery greeting did was make Ianto’s scowl deepen. He came to a stop in front of his lover’s desk and planted himself, hands on hips. “Didn’t you tell me you’d fixed that replicator device that came through the Rift last month?”
“I did!” Jack beamed proudly. “Or rather, Tosh repaired it, with some input from me, since it’s the same make we had at the Time Agency, just a slightly earlier model. All I had to do was reprogram it; I thought it might come in useful, especially with how many residents we’ve got in the cells right now. Should save you having to visit the supermarket so often…” Jack trailed off, frowning. “Didn’t I tell you all of this last week?”
“Yes,” Ianto agreed, “I thought you had, but after what just happened, I decided I should check that I hadn’t just imagined it, a spot of wishful thinking on my part.”
It was gradually sinking into Jack’s head that there might, just possibly, be a problem. “Uh… is it not working? They can be a bit temperamental, or at least that was the case with the model I’m used to. Sometimes they need a little kick at the bottom to get them going.”
“Oh, no, it works. After a fashion. But I think someone, preferably NOT you, needs to re-do the programming.”
“What for? Is there something wrong with it?”
“You could say that. I wanted some carrots for that sort of rabbity thing with the unpronounceable name.”
“The Vbreixzgoos?”
“That’s the one. Anyway, it’s raining, not to mention blowing a gale, so I decided I’d give the replicator a try. Let’s just say he results were… unhelpful.”
“Let me guess; no carrots?”
“Carrots? No. Parrots, yes. So now I have a dozen assorted parrots flying around downstairs, I still have to go to the supermarket for carrots, and now I have to get bird seed as well.”
Jack blinked. “Oh.”
“Oh? That’s all you have to say?”
“Perhaps it might need a little more work before it’s used again.”
“I’d already figured that much out by myself,” Ianto muttered, snatching his coat from the coat rack, pulling it on, and heading for the door. “While I’m gone, I expect you to round up the parrots and put them in suitable cages so that Owen can scan them and see if they’re good enough replicas to be rehomed, or whether they might be likely to drop dead unexpectedly in the near future.”
Jack leaned back from his desk, looking worried. “Where am I going to get cages from?”
“There should be some in storage room seven on sublevel B. And don’t even thing of trying to cram all the parrots into one cage; they need room to move. Once Owen’s checked them over, they can be released into one of cells, as long as they’re provided with something to perch on. Got that?”
“Yes, Ianto.” It didn’t seem prudent to argue.
“Good.” Ianto stalked back out of Jack’s office, muttering to himself, and Jack winced. A dozen parrots, and he was supposed to catch them before Ianto got back. Maybe if he asked nicely, he could persuade the rest of the team to lend a hand. On the other hand, why ask? He was the boss; he could order them to help.
He stood up, a determined expression on his face. He could do this; Ianto would be pleased with him, but they were going to need some equipment first, the heavy leather gauntlets and a couple of nets as well as the cages. One thing Jack knew about parrots; they had a lot of sharp bits, and they could do serious damage to delicate human fingers if they wanted. He suspected these parrots would be out for blood.
The End
Apparently the universe had decided it was Be Mean to Ianto Day. It seemed like everything that could possibly go wrong had decided today was the perfect time to do just that, and he was already sick of having to clean up the inevitable mess from each new disaster. Just once it would be nice to have a day when everything went smoothly, but today clearly wasn’t going to be it. With a put-upon sigh he made his way back up to the main Hub.
By the time he got there, he’d realised that he wasn’t to blame for this latest disaster, but he had a pretty good idea who was. Dragging the remains of his tattered dignity around himself, he straightened his shoulders and marched up to Jack’s office. He didn’t even bother knocking, just stalked straight in, looking every bit as annoyed as he felt.
“Jack?”
“Ianto!” Jack greeted, looking up from his paperwork with a wide smile, bravely ignoring the expression on his lover’s face. He knew the worst Ianto could do to him was kill him, and since that was never permanent, it wasn’t worth worrying about. “What can I do for you?”
All Jack’s cheery greeting did was make Ianto’s scowl deepen. He came to a stop in front of his lover’s desk and planted himself, hands on hips. “Didn’t you tell me you’d fixed that replicator device that came through the Rift last month?”
“I did!” Jack beamed proudly. “Or rather, Tosh repaired it, with some input from me, since it’s the same make we had at the Time Agency, just a slightly earlier model. All I had to do was reprogram it; I thought it might come in useful, especially with how many residents we’ve got in the cells right now. Should save you having to visit the supermarket so often…” Jack trailed off, frowning. “Didn’t I tell you all of this last week?”
“Yes,” Ianto agreed, “I thought you had, but after what just happened, I decided I should check that I hadn’t just imagined it, a spot of wishful thinking on my part.”
It was gradually sinking into Jack’s head that there might, just possibly, be a problem. “Uh… is it not working? They can be a bit temperamental, or at least that was the case with the model I’m used to. Sometimes they need a little kick at the bottom to get them going.”
“Oh, no, it works. After a fashion. But I think someone, preferably NOT you, needs to re-do the programming.”
“What for? Is there something wrong with it?”
“You could say that. I wanted some carrots for that sort of rabbity thing with the unpronounceable name.”
“The Vbreixzgoos?”
“That’s the one. Anyway, it’s raining, not to mention blowing a gale, so I decided I’d give the replicator a try. Let’s just say he results were… unhelpful.”
“Let me guess; no carrots?”
“Carrots? No. Parrots, yes. So now I have a dozen assorted parrots flying around downstairs, I still have to go to the supermarket for carrots, and now I have to get bird seed as well.”
Jack blinked. “Oh.”
“Oh? That’s all you have to say?”
“Perhaps it might need a little more work before it’s used again.”
“I’d already figured that much out by myself,” Ianto muttered, snatching his coat from the coat rack, pulling it on, and heading for the door. “While I’m gone, I expect you to round up the parrots and put them in suitable cages so that Owen can scan them and see if they’re good enough replicas to be rehomed, or whether they might be likely to drop dead unexpectedly in the near future.”
Jack leaned back from his desk, looking worried. “Where am I going to get cages from?”
“There should be some in storage room seven on sublevel B. And don’t even thing of trying to cram all the parrots into one cage; they need room to move. Once Owen’s checked them over, they can be released into one of cells, as long as they’re provided with something to perch on. Got that?”
“Yes, Ianto.” It didn’t seem prudent to argue.
“Good.” Ianto stalked back out of Jack’s office, muttering to himself, and Jack winced. A dozen parrots, and he was supposed to catch them before Ianto got back. Maybe if he asked nicely, he could persuade the rest of the team to lend a hand. On the other hand, why ask? He was the boss; he could order them to help.
He stood up, a determined expression on his face. He could do this; Ianto would be pleased with him, but they were going to need some equipment first, the heavy leather gauntlets and a couple of nets as well as the cages. One thing Jack knew about parrots; they had a lot of sharp bits, and they could do serious damage to delicate human fingers if they wanted. He suspected these parrots would be out for blood.
The End
(no subject)
Date: 2025-03-31 07:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2025-03-31 07:52 pm (UTC)I'm the local rounder upper of anything furred and feathered around here. I used to breed zebra finches, and we always had budgies or cockatiels, so I'm used to handling birds. When we had to let my sister take the last two cockatiels, because my mum had a stroke and looking after her was enough work without the birds on top, my sister spent ten minutes trying to catch one, so I had to take over. Had it in moments. She was scared of getting bitten. I just put a glove on. The worst ever was a stray love bird I caught outside. Darn think sank its beak into my hand and wouldn't let go. Blood everywhere. Jack had better be careful with those parrots.
Thank you!