Ficlet: Stupidity
Jun. 5th, 2025 06:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badly_knittedTitle: Stupidity
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Jack, Ianto.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 591
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: Jack has managed to do something so monumentally stupid that Ianto despairs of him.
Written For:
with_rainfall’s prompt ‘Any, any, quite possibly the dumbest way to die (Dumb Ways to Die)’, at ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
threesentenceficathon.Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.
Jack came back to life with his usual tortured gasp and a shudder, flailing as his hands sought something to grab hold of, anchoring himself in the here and now, to find himself held firmly in Ianto’s arms, which was sort of nice. It was always the best way to revive, if he absolutely had to die in the first place, which he generally preferred not to, despite what other people seemed to think, except that this time when he managed to focus on his lover’s face…
Instead of the usual concern and compassion, or a reassuring, even sympathetic smile, he found Ianto glaring down at him, definitely not amused, not even relieved like he usually was at times like this. It made Jack start to wonder exactly what had just happened… His memory was still a bit sketchy, as it often was after an unexpected death.
If he saw it coming, the knowledge that he was about to die was usually enough to sear the event into his mind, but this time he was drawing a complete blank, which was awkward because although Ianto did sometimes get annoyed with him for getting himself killed, he didn’t usually look quite so… Actually, now Jack thought about it, he wasn’t sure what Ianto’s expression signified; he just knew it meant trouble, probably for him.
“Ianto? Is something wrong? Please don’t tell me there are pieces missing.” Because quite honestly, it wouldn’t be the first time, and regrowing body parts was frankly disturbing for everyone.
An exasperated huff came from his lover. “The things you do, I sometimes have to wonder whether common sense has been completely bred out of humanity by the fifty-first century! It’s already becoming a rarity, so I shouldn’t really be surprised, but honestly, Jack, despite some of the ridiculous scrapes you’ve got yourself into, I didn’t think you were quite THAT stupid!”
“I’m not!” Jack denied it automatically, because he was sure whatever he’d done couldn’t have been THAT dumb, no matter what Ianto seemed to think. “Um, exactly how stupid are we talking? Because I can’t quite remember what happened… I know I died, I’m just drawing a blank on the why and the how parts.”
“It’s a good thing you called me earlier to join you out at our new backup base with a few supplies, because when I got here, I found you lying in the middle of the road, dead. As far as I can tell, you got out of the SUV on a steep slope to move a branch that was blocking the road, left the engine running, the car in gear, and the handbrake off. You ran yourself over.”
“Oh.” Jack suddenly wished he could rewind time and keep himself from behaving so impulsively. Maybe Ianto was right, and he really WAS that stupid.
“Yes, oh. And just so you know, the SUV is now stuck in a ditch at the bottom of the hill. I’ve already called a tow truck to winch it out and check it for damage, I just hope you didn’t break an axle this time. Just because it’s suitable for offroad driving doesn’t mean it can handle all kinds of terrain with no problem. Three-foot-deep ditches are a bit beyond its capacity.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You will be. You’re paying for the repairs out of your own pocket, because if you want to claim it as damages, you’re the one who’ll have to hell Her Majesty what you did, and then you’ll never hear the end of it!”
The End
Instead of the usual concern and compassion, or a reassuring, even sympathetic smile, he found Ianto glaring down at him, definitely not amused, not even relieved like he usually was at times like this. It made Jack start to wonder exactly what had just happened… His memory was still a bit sketchy, as it often was after an unexpected death.
If he saw it coming, the knowledge that he was about to die was usually enough to sear the event into his mind, but this time he was drawing a complete blank, which was awkward because although Ianto did sometimes get annoyed with him for getting himself killed, he didn’t usually look quite so… Actually, now Jack thought about it, he wasn’t sure what Ianto’s expression signified; he just knew it meant trouble, probably for him.
“Ianto? Is something wrong? Please don’t tell me there are pieces missing.” Because quite honestly, it wouldn’t be the first time, and regrowing body parts was frankly disturbing for everyone.
An exasperated huff came from his lover. “The things you do, I sometimes have to wonder whether common sense has been completely bred out of humanity by the fifty-first century! It’s already becoming a rarity, so I shouldn’t really be surprised, but honestly, Jack, despite some of the ridiculous scrapes you’ve got yourself into, I didn’t think you were quite THAT stupid!”
“I’m not!” Jack denied it automatically, because he was sure whatever he’d done couldn’t have been THAT dumb, no matter what Ianto seemed to think. “Um, exactly how stupid are we talking? Because I can’t quite remember what happened… I know I died, I’m just drawing a blank on the why and the how parts.”
“It’s a good thing you called me earlier to join you out at our new backup base with a few supplies, because when I got here, I found you lying in the middle of the road, dead. As far as I can tell, you got out of the SUV on a steep slope to move a branch that was blocking the road, left the engine running, the car in gear, and the handbrake off. You ran yourself over.”
“Oh.” Jack suddenly wished he could rewind time and keep himself from behaving so impulsively. Maybe Ianto was right, and he really WAS that stupid.
“Yes, oh. And just so you know, the SUV is now stuck in a ditch at the bottom of the hill. I’ve already called a tow truck to winch it out and check it for damage, I just hope you didn’t break an axle this time. Just because it’s suitable for offroad driving doesn’t mean it can handle all kinds of terrain with no problem. Three-foot-deep ditches are a bit beyond its capacity.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You will be. You’re paying for the repairs out of your own pocket, because if you want to claim it as damages, you’re the one who’ll have to hell Her Majesty what you did, and then you’ll never hear the end of it!”
The End
