BtVS Ficlet: Bitter Victory
Jun. 2nd, 2025 07:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badly_knittedTitle: Bitter Victory
Fandom: BtVS
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Buffy, Angel/Angelus, Joyce, Willow, Xander, Giles.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 874
Spoilers: Becoming Part 2.
Summary: Buffy has won the battle and saved the world, so why does she feel so awful?
Written For: Prompt 201 - Pyrrhic Victory at
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fandomweekly.Disclaimer: I don’t own BTVS, or the characters.
It was over, the world and everyone in it was safe, or as safe as they had been before, and maybe Buffy should’ve felt good about that, but she didn’t. She’d won the battle, but this victory had a bitter taste, almost worse than defeat.
If she’d acted sooner, done things differently, not hesitated… If she’d just been what a Slayer should be, single-mindedly dedicated to the battle against the forces of evil instead of letting her emotions get in the way… If, if, if. But she hadn’t, she’d done everything wrong, put her own feelings ahead of her duty, and although in the end she’d won, the cost to the people around her was too great.
Kendra was dead when she’d only just been beginning to live. Willow and Xander, her two closest friends, were injured, and Giles… She had no idea what Angelus had done to him before Xander got him out, but she could take a guess that it had been bad. She’d failed him, failed everyone, and she deserved to pay for that. Maybe she already had.
Her mom had told her not to bother coming home, her friends and her Watcher might never trust her again, and she wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t. She didn’t deserve their trust. And then there was Angel.
She’d been ready, at long last, to kill the monster he’d become, to keep him from awakening Acathla by any means necessary, to shut him down permanently, and with extreme prejudice. She should have done that months ago, then the events of the last few days would never have happened, but she’d been too busy wallowing in self-pity. If she’d thought her heart was broken before, it was nothing compared to the pain she was feeling now.
She should never have let Willow try the spell to re-soul Angel, then she could have done what she had to with no regrets. She might even have felt good about it, but how could she now? She’d fought Angelus, his taunts and derision only adding fuel to the hatred she felt for him. His words had wiped away the last of her doubts, she’d finally been ready to kill him and make up for her earlier failures, but when the moment had come, it hadn’t been Angelus she was facing.
Angel. Poor, sweet, confused Angel, standing there holding a sword but not knowing why, or where he was, or what was happening. He’d looked to her for an explanation, trusting her to tell him what was going on, so concerned for her, and just for a moment she’d been so happy! Willow’s spell had worked, Angel was himself again, and everything was going to be okay! Only it wasn’t, because she was already too late. Acathla was waking, the portal was opening, and…
She’d lied to Angel. She couldn’t tell him what a mess she’d made of everything, there wasn’t time for explanations, confessions, or begging for forgiveness she didn’t deserve, so she hadn’t tried. She’d simply told him not to worry, that she loved him, and then she’d asked him to close his eyes, knowing he would, because he trusted her completely. But she’d done that for her own sake, not for his, because she hadn’t wanted to see the betrayal in his eyes as she killed him.
She should have known she wouldn’t get off that easily. The moment she’d driven her sword through him, his eyes had snapped open, filled with pain, bewilderment, and shock, and what had she done? Just stood there and watched as he was sucked bodily into Hell. She hadn’t even apologised to him, and she should have, because Angel had done nothing wrong. Angelus had deserved to die, to suffer an eternity of torment, but not Angel. All he’d ever done was love her.
So here Buffy stood, world saved, demon dormant once more, everything the way it should be, except that it wasn’t, and it never could be. Too much damage had been done, she’d let too many people down, and even her own mother didn’t want her. She’d won the battle but lost everything that mattered to her in the process: her home, her friends, the man she loved… The cost of victory was too high, but the universe didn’t give refunds, so what now?
Perhaps she was a coward for leaving, but what reason did she have to stay? She’d already hurt everyone she cared about; staying would only rub salt in open wounds, both theirs and her own. Alone, with nobody counting on her for anything, she couldn’t disappoint anyone, couldn’t cause more harm. They probably wouldn’t even miss her.
Buffy returned to her house just long enough to pack and leave a note, a brief apology for all her many faults and failings, then took the bus out of town, heading for L.A. where she could maybe lose herself. She couldn’t leave the hurt behind, but perhaps away from Sunnydale she wouldn’t be constantly reminded of the worst day of her short life. She’d done her job as the Slayer for long enough; it was time she hung up her stake. Somebody else could fight the good fight now; maybe they’d have better luck.
The End
If she’d acted sooner, done things differently, not hesitated… If she’d just been what a Slayer should be, single-mindedly dedicated to the battle against the forces of evil instead of letting her emotions get in the way… If, if, if. But she hadn’t, she’d done everything wrong, put her own feelings ahead of her duty, and although in the end she’d won, the cost to the people around her was too great.
Kendra was dead when she’d only just been beginning to live. Willow and Xander, her two closest friends, were injured, and Giles… She had no idea what Angelus had done to him before Xander got him out, but she could take a guess that it had been bad. She’d failed him, failed everyone, and she deserved to pay for that. Maybe she already had.
Her mom had told her not to bother coming home, her friends and her Watcher might never trust her again, and she wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t. She didn’t deserve their trust. And then there was Angel.
She’d been ready, at long last, to kill the monster he’d become, to keep him from awakening Acathla by any means necessary, to shut him down permanently, and with extreme prejudice. She should have done that months ago, then the events of the last few days would never have happened, but she’d been too busy wallowing in self-pity. If she’d thought her heart was broken before, it was nothing compared to the pain she was feeling now.
She should never have let Willow try the spell to re-soul Angel, then she could have done what she had to with no regrets. She might even have felt good about it, but how could she now? She’d fought Angelus, his taunts and derision only adding fuel to the hatred she felt for him. His words had wiped away the last of her doubts, she’d finally been ready to kill him and make up for her earlier failures, but when the moment had come, it hadn’t been Angelus she was facing.
Angel. Poor, sweet, confused Angel, standing there holding a sword but not knowing why, or where he was, or what was happening. He’d looked to her for an explanation, trusting her to tell him what was going on, so concerned for her, and just for a moment she’d been so happy! Willow’s spell had worked, Angel was himself again, and everything was going to be okay! Only it wasn’t, because she was already too late. Acathla was waking, the portal was opening, and…
She’d lied to Angel. She couldn’t tell him what a mess she’d made of everything, there wasn’t time for explanations, confessions, or begging for forgiveness she didn’t deserve, so she hadn’t tried. She’d simply told him not to worry, that she loved him, and then she’d asked him to close his eyes, knowing he would, because he trusted her completely. But she’d done that for her own sake, not for his, because she hadn’t wanted to see the betrayal in his eyes as she killed him.
She should have known she wouldn’t get off that easily. The moment she’d driven her sword through him, his eyes had snapped open, filled with pain, bewilderment, and shock, and what had she done? Just stood there and watched as he was sucked bodily into Hell. She hadn’t even apologised to him, and she should have, because Angel had done nothing wrong. Angelus had deserved to die, to suffer an eternity of torment, but not Angel. All he’d ever done was love her.
So here Buffy stood, world saved, demon dormant once more, everything the way it should be, except that it wasn’t, and it never could be. Too much damage had been done, she’d let too many people down, and even her own mother didn’t want her. She’d won the battle but lost everything that mattered to her in the process: her home, her friends, the man she loved… The cost of victory was too high, but the universe didn’t give refunds, so what now?
Perhaps she was a coward for leaving, but what reason did she have to stay? She’d already hurt everyone she cared about; staying would only rub salt in open wounds, both theirs and her own. Alone, with nobody counting on her for anything, she couldn’t disappoint anyone, couldn’t cause more harm. They probably wouldn’t even miss her.
Buffy returned to her house just long enough to pack and leave a note, a brief apology for all her many faults and failings, then took the bus out of town, heading for L.A. where she could maybe lose herself. She couldn’t leave the hurt behind, but perhaps away from Sunnydale she wouldn’t be constantly reminded of the worst day of her short life. She’d done her job as the Slayer for long enough; it was time she hung up her stake. Somebody else could fight the good fight now; maybe they’d have better luck.
The End
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