Ficlet: Logical Question
Apr. 21st, 2025 06:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badly_knittedTitle: Logical Question
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Jack, Owen, Ianto.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 686
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: If this were anywhere else, it would have been a ridiculous question. Instead, it’s perfectly logical, not to mention necessary.
Written For: acoldwarinmyhead’s prompt: Any, Any, “Is...is it mine?”, at
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threesentenceficathon.Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.
If this was anywhere else, if this was ANYONE else for that matter, it would probably have been the most ridiculous question in the history of the universe, but… Well, this was Torchwood, and this was Jack Harkness, and let’s face it, Jack wasn’t exactly mister ordinary at the best of times. He was a fifty-first century ex-Time Agent, an ex-conman, immortal, and currently the head of Torchwood Three, the super-secret alien hunting organisation that everyone in Cardiff knew about, and Torchwood was a place where dealing with the weirdest things most people could imagine constituted an average day. So, while some members of the team looked surprised, even amused, they all had to agree it was a logical thing to ask.
Jack stared at the team medic, a worried expression on his face. “I’m pregnant? Are you absolutely sure?”
“Wish I wasn’t, but yeah, according to all the tests I’ve run, you’re up the duff,” Owen replied. “Congrats, I guess.”
“Is… is it mine?” The question wasn’t as crazy as it sounded, because there was every chance it might not be. It wouldn’t be the first, second, or even the fifth time a Torchwood agent had accidentally been impregnated with alien spawn. The most recent occasion had been a few years ago, when Gwen had woken up on the morning of her wedding looking full-term with a Nostrovite foetus, which had caused all kinds of problems, so the first thing that needed to be ruled out was whether or not Jack was expecting a human baby.
“Looks human to me,” Owen assured him. “Nothing alien about it, as far as I can tell. I can run a few more basic tests and scans, maybe an amniocentesis if that’ll set your mind at rest, but everything so far is registering as a perfectly normal human pregnancy. Well, except for the fact that you’re a bloke, which isn’t exactly normal for the twenty-first century, but this is you we’re talking about.”
“I know that!” Jack scowled at Owen.
“Just saying. You don’t exactly do anything the normal way, do you? You die and come back to life, get bits lopped off and they grow back…” Owen shrugged. “Why should any of us be surprised that you’ve got a bun in the oven. Only thing that surprises me is that it hasn’t happened before, at least not while I’ve been on the team. I’m guessing Teaboy is the daddy, unless you’ve been getting your kicks elsewhere.”
“Shall I punch you in the nose now?” Ianto asked mildly, “Or just serve you cheap instant decaf for the rest of your life? Your choice.”
“Hey, I was only asking! For my records.”
“If it’s mine then it’s definitely Ianto’s too,” Jack said quickly, trying to prevent an argument breaking out. He laid a hand protectively over his stomach.
“Looks like you’re gonna be a daddy.” Owen smirked at Ianto.
“Yes, Owen, I had managed to work that out for myself.” Ianto paused, looking thoughtful. “I’ll have to revise Torchwood’s provisions for maternity leave to include pregnant men. I’d better get on with that while I don’t have anything more pressing to deal with.”
“You’re taking this very well,” Jack said as he followed his lover up the steps and out of the medical bay.
“Yes, well, there’s a lot to think through and organise. I can have a nervous breakdown later. Oh, and you’re on desk duty until after the birth. Can’t have you dying. You’ll need to lower your caffeine intake too.”
“No coffee?” Jack sounded horrified.
“Less coffee, and not industrial strength,” Ianto corrected. “You’d be impossible to live with if you weren’t allowed any.” Ianto smiled reassuringly at his partner. “We’ll both survive this. At least I hope so.”
“We will,” Jack said, taking Ianto’s hand and squeezing it. “Whether we’ll survive parenthood is another matter.”
Ianto winced. “I was trying not to think that far ahead. Being a parent can’t be worse than dealing with Weevils though, can it?”
They stared at each other for a long moment, until Jack finally broke the silence.
“We’re doomed.”
The End
Jack stared at the team medic, a worried expression on his face. “I’m pregnant? Are you absolutely sure?”
“Wish I wasn’t, but yeah, according to all the tests I’ve run, you’re up the duff,” Owen replied. “Congrats, I guess.”
“Is… is it mine?” The question wasn’t as crazy as it sounded, because there was every chance it might not be. It wouldn’t be the first, second, or even the fifth time a Torchwood agent had accidentally been impregnated with alien spawn. The most recent occasion had been a few years ago, when Gwen had woken up on the morning of her wedding looking full-term with a Nostrovite foetus, which had caused all kinds of problems, so the first thing that needed to be ruled out was whether or not Jack was expecting a human baby.
“Looks human to me,” Owen assured him. “Nothing alien about it, as far as I can tell. I can run a few more basic tests and scans, maybe an amniocentesis if that’ll set your mind at rest, but everything so far is registering as a perfectly normal human pregnancy. Well, except for the fact that you’re a bloke, which isn’t exactly normal for the twenty-first century, but this is you we’re talking about.”
“I know that!” Jack scowled at Owen.
“Just saying. You don’t exactly do anything the normal way, do you? You die and come back to life, get bits lopped off and they grow back…” Owen shrugged. “Why should any of us be surprised that you’ve got a bun in the oven. Only thing that surprises me is that it hasn’t happened before, at least not while I’ve been on the team. I’m guessing Teaboy is the daddy, unless you’ve been getting your kicks elsewhere.”
“Shall I punch you in the nose now?” Ianto asked mildly, “Or just serve you cheap instant decaf for the rest of your life? Your choice.”
“Hey, I was only asking! For my records.”
“If it’s mine then it’s definitely Ianto’s too,” Jack said quickly, trying to prevent an argument breaking out. He laid a hand protectively over his stomach.
“Looks like you’re gonna be a daddy.” Owen smirked at Ianto.
“Yes, Owen, I had managed to work that out for myself.” Ianto paused, looking thoughtful. “I’ll have to revise Torchwood’s provisions for maternity leave to include pregnant men. I’d better get on with that while I don’t have anything more pressing to deal with.”
“You’re taking this very well,” Jack said as he followed his lover up the steps and out of the medical bay.
“Yes, well, there’s a lot to think through and organise. I can have a nervous breakdown later. Oh, and you’re on desk duty until after the birth. Can’t have you dying. You’ll need to lower your caffeine intake too.”
“No coffee?” Jack sounded horrified.
“Less coffee, and not industrial strength,” Ianto corrected. “You’d be impossible to live with if you weren’t allowed any.” Ianto smiled reassuringly at his partner. “We’ll both survive this. At least I hope so.”
“We will,” Jack said, taking Ianto’s hand and squeezing it. “Whether we’ll survive parenthood is another matter.”
Ianto winced. “I was trying not to think that far ahead. Being a parent can’t be worse than dealing with Weevils though, can it?”
They stared at each other for a long moment, until Jack finally broke the silence.
“We’re doomed.”
The End
(no subject)
Date: 2025-04-22 04:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2025-04-22 05:10 pm (UTC)Thank you!