Fic: Protocol
May. 21st, 2026 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badly_knittedTitle: Protocol
Author:
badly_knittedCharacters: Jack, Ianto, Aliens.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1562
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: Jack and Ianto have an important diplomatic meeting with aliens who are sticklers for protocol.
Content Notes: None needed.
Written For: Weekend Challenge: Songs From Musicals at
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1_million_words.Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.
Jack was more than glad to have Ianto with him for this. Since joining Torchwood Three, he’d quickly become more than simply the team’s General Support Officer, although he was that, among other things. He was also, near as damn it, Jack’s private secretary, personal assistant, whatever the correct term was these days. Jack might even go so far as to call the young Welshman his right-hand man, because by now Ianto knew more about Torchwood, the Hub, and Cardiff itself than Jack did. He made it a point to be well-informed.
Ianto was everything anyone could want in an assistant: he was smart, adaptable, efficient, steadfast, loyal, and dependable, and okay, there’d been the whole Cyberwoman thing, but they were long past that little hiccup now. And then there’d been the mutiny, but that had been ALL of the team, not just Ianto, and Bilis Manger had been manipulating them, so… Extenuating circumstances. In the end, Jack couldn’t really blame any of them for having been tricked. Besides, everything had worked out, and he hadn’t been entirely blameless himself, poking at their tenderest spots the way he had. He’d put them on the defensive; that had been a mistake.
Still, all that had been forgiven long ago, and if not entirely forgotten, at least shifted to the back of everyone’s minds. What mattered right now was that Ianto Jones was one of a mere handful of people Jack trusted completely. Despite their ups and downs in the past, they’d built something between them that went far beyond boss and employee, or even friends. They were lovers, and soon to be married, assuming they could get through the latest crisis to hit Cardiff, and potentially the rest of the world, without causing a major diplomatic incident.
“I can think of quite a few places I’d rather be right now,” Ianto said quietly, standing to Jack’s right, and slightly behind, as befitted an aide to an Important Personage. Showing up to this meeting alone would not have done at all; an aide was absolutely essential, and Ianto had been Jack’s only possible choice, for several important reasons, of which his famed adaptability was but one, and probably not even the most important.
The Tillippians were very big on ceremony, and had been known to execute the staff of foreign dignitaries for not following protocol precisely enough, or for not showing sufficient respect. They weren’t the most arrogant race in the universe, but in Jack’s opinion, they came a close second. They were overly meticulous in all things; the smallest details mattered to them… In short, they were finicky, which meant that Jack was no more eager for any of this than his lover was.
“I’d rather be just about ANYWHERE else right now,” he murmured, his eyes focused on the spaceship a hundred feet or so away, and trying to appear calmer than he felt. While it was true that Ianto would revive if executed over some perceived slight, Jack didn’t want their visitors killing his husband-to-be on account of some small error, or for any other reason, come to that. “Hush now. Only speak when directed to, or when you’re spoken to.”
“I know, Jack. We’ve been over the protocols a hundred times, I know what to do, and what NOT to do. You’re more likely to get yourself killed than I am.”
Which, Jack had to admit, was true. Flirting with the Tillippian Verdegg, their version of a minister of state, or any of hir functionaries, would be a death sentence. Tillippians had no sense of humour, and they took their rituals very seriously indeed.
The door of the spaceship opened, a ramp extruded, and beneath an almost full moon, on a warm spring night deep in the Brecon Beacons, the Verdegg advanced down it in a stately manner to the grassy valley floor, hir aide walking respectfully at hir superior’s right shoulder.
As the two stepped onto the grass, the aide announced hir superior, listing hir titles, and all about hir that made hir a fitting representative of hir people. Jack and Ianto stood in silence, not making eye contact with their visitors, until the opening introduction was concluded.
Then it was Ianto’s turn to announce Jack, with all the names and titles they’d agreed on, his calm, steady, lilting Welsh tones easily matching the Tillippian aide for lavishness of praise. Once he was done, like his counterpart, he politely lowered his gaze, his eyes focussed on the grass just in front of the Verdegg’s feet. So far, so good.
Now it was the turn of Jack and the Verdegg to address each other, first praising the comportment of their own aides, then their counterpart’s aides, and then offering their own salutations to each other, expressing how honoured they were to be meeting in this place, at this moment. What a glorious meeting it was, how prestigious for both of them, what an historic moment for both of their peoples! It should perhaps be mentioned that Tillippians were somewhat longwinded; they never used one word when a dozen would do the job even better.
It was a long and drawn-out formal ceremony that included exchanges of gifts, each with its own ritual attached, including specific gestures of gratitude. It had been midnight, earth time, when they started, and it was after three in the morning by the time they were done, but at last, when everyone was satisfied with each other’s performance, Jack and the Verdegg entered the ship together to formalise the agreement that from this day onwards, earth and Tillippia were on cordial terms, and Jack was accepted, even revered, as the earth’s official representative. It was quite an honour.
Ianto and his opposite number had to remain where they were, standing to attention, still as statues, their eyes respectively downcast, until their superiors emerged almost an hour later. There followed a thankfully much shorter ceremony of leave-taking, then Ianto and the Tillippian aide stepped forward, bowed to each other’s superior, then to each other, then gathered up the gifts, and returned to their places, walking backwards since turning their backs would have been considered unforgivably rude. Ianto was relieved to manage that without tripping on the uneven ground. Such a mishap might have ruined everything.
The Verdegg and hir overloaded aide took one step back onto the end of the ramp, which rose slowly and was withdrawn into the ship. Jack and Ianto remained right where they were as the ship lifted lightly from the ground, rose silently and with supreme grace into the air, and departed so fast it was gone almost before they could blink.
Ianto lowered his load of gifts to the grass and sat down heavily, his elaborate robes fanning out around him. “Ooh, my feet! Standing in one place for so long is torture, especially in these sandals.” They were a bit like flip-flops, but instead of rubber or foam plastic, they were made of a rather scratchy fibre.
Jack patted his shoulder. “You wait there while I fetch our shoes, then we’ll head back to the SUV.” The two of them had left their own footwear behind some rocks, well out of sight. Walking all the way to the meeting place from where they’d parked would have been impossible in their ceremonial footwear; the ground was too rugged.
“Thanks. I’m just glad I could wear the robes over my own clothes. Might have been a bit draughty otherwise. Still, I’m glad it’s over.”
“So am I. You were perfect.” Jack put Ianto shoes beside his lover and sat down to change into his own boots. “I’m proud of you.”
“And so you should be, although you drilled me in everything long enough to make sure I wouldn’t make any mistakes.” Ianto smiled in satisfaction. “Sun will be coming up soon. Looks like we made it through the night in one piece.”
“Yes we did. We should celebrate.” Jack was all smiles now, back to his usual self, bright and breezy, full of confidence.
Ianto felt wrung out. “The only thing I want to do now is go home and grab a few hours’ sleep. Celebrating can wait a while.”
“You can sleep while I drive. You’ve earned it.” Jack offered Ianto a hand up.
“Thank you.” Ianto sighed. “Unfortunately, we still have a three-mile hike back to the car with all this.” He gestured to the pile of gifts Jack had been given, then abandoning them for the moment, made his way over to the rocks that had concealed their shoes, and a few other things, lifting a backpack onto the flat top of the biggest rock and opening it. “Good thing I brought coffee.” He pulled out a flask and set it to one side before removing his robes, folding them, and putting them away. It wouldn’t do for them to get damaged; they might be needed again someday.
Jack took off his own robes, started to bundle them up, and then, at a disapproving look from his lover, shook them out and folded them properly. “Sorry.”
“I should think so! What would the Verdegg think of you treating ceremonial robes in such a manner?”
“The Verdegg is the alien version of a stuffed shirt,” Jack grumbled. “I hope it will be a long time before we get another visit from Tillippia.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Ianto poured coffee into two cups.
“Thank you. Not just for the coffee, but for agreeing to be my aide tonight. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“Just doing my job. Someone has to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.”
“And there is no one I would trust more to have my back.” Jack raised his cup of coffee in a toast. “To us.”
“And to the Verdegg,” Ianto added wryly. “May hir house prosper. At least that way, if they come back again, we’ll be dealing with the same people.”
“Better the devil you know,” Jack agreed, grinning, as he and Ianto perched on the rocks to drink their coffee.
It had been a long night, and it wasn’t quite over yet, but as the sky to the east turned delicate shades of pink and gold, it seemed they could look forward to a beautiful day. It was almost a shame Ianto planned on sleeping through the first part of it.
The End
Ianto was everything anyone could want in an assistant: he was smart, adaptable, efficient, steadfast, loyal, and dependable, and okay, there’d been the whole Cyberwoman thing, but they were long past that little hiccup now. And then there’d been the mutiny, but that had been ALL of the team, not just Ianto, and Bilis Manger had been manipulating them, so… Extenuating circumstances. In the end, Jack couldn’t really blame any of them for having been tricked. Besides, everything had worked out, and he hadn’t been entirely blameless himself, poking at their tenderest spots the way he had. He’d put them on the defensive; that had been a mistake.
Still, all that had been forgiven long ago, and if not entirely forgotten, at least shifted to the back of everyone’s minds. What mattered right now was that Ianto Jones was one of a mere handful of people Jack trusted completely. Despite their ups and downs in the past, they’d built something between them that went far beyond boss and employee, or even friends. They were lovers, and soon to be married, assuming they could get through the latest crisis to hit Cardiff, and potentially the rest of the world, without causing a major diplomatic incident.
“I can think of quite a few places I’d rather be right now,” Ianto said quietly, standing to Jack’s right, and slightly behind, as befitted an aide to an Important Personage. Showing up to this meeting alone would not have done at all; an aide was absolutely essential, and Ianto had been Jack’s only possible choice, for several important reasons, of which his famed adaptability was but one, and probably not even the most important.
The Tillippians were very big on ceremony, and had been known to execute the staff of foreign dignitaries for not following protocol precisely enough, or for not showing sufficient respect. They weren’t the most arrogant race in the universe, but in Jack’s opinion, they came a close second. They were overly meticulous in all things; the smallest details mattered to them… In short, they were finicky, which meant that Jack was no more eager for any of this than his lover was.
“I’d rather be just about ANYWHERE else right now,” he murmured, his eyes focused on the spaceship a hundred feet or so away, and trying to appear calmer than he felt. While it was true that Ianto would revive if executed over some perceived slight, Jack didn’t want their visitors killing his husband-to-be on account of some small error, or for any other reason, come to that. “Hush now. Only speak when directed to, or when you’re spoken to.”
“I know, Jack. We’ve been over the protocols a hundred times, I know what to do, and what NOT to do. You’re more likely to get yourself killed than I am.”
Which, Jack had to admit, was true. Flirting with the Tillippian Verdegg, their version of a minister of state, or any of hir functionaries, would be a death sentence. Tillippians had no sense of humour, and they took their rituals very seriously indeed.
The door of the spaceship opened, a ramp extruded, and beneath an almost full moon, on a warm spring night deep in the Brecon Beacons, the Verdegg advanced down it in a stately manner to the grassy valley floor, hir aide walking respectfully at hir superior’s right shoulder.
As the two stepped onto the grass, the aide announced hir superior, listing hir titles, and all about hir that made hir a fitting representative of hir people. Jack and Ianto stood in silence, not making eye contact with their visitors, until the opening introduction was concluded.
Then it was Ianto’s turn to announce Jack, with all the names and titles they’d agreed on, his calm, steady, lilting Welsh tones easily matching the Tillippian aide for lavishness of praise. Once he was done, like his counterpart, he politely lowered his gaze, his eyes focussed on the grass just in front of the Verdegg’s feet. So far, so good.
Now it was the turn of Jack and the Verdegg to address each other, first praising the comportment of their own aides, then their counterpart’s aides, and then offering their own salutations to each other, expressing how honoured they were to be meeting in this place, at this moment. What a glorious meeting it was, how prestigious for both of them, what an historic moment for both of their peoples! It should perhaps be mentioned that Tillippians were somewhat longwinded; they never used one word when a dozen would do the job even better.
It was a long and drawn-out formal ceremony that included exchanges of gifts, each with its own ritual attached, including specific gestures of gratitude. It had been midnight, earth time, when they started, and it was after three in the morning by the time they were done, but at last, when everyone was satisfied with each other’s performance, Jack and the Verdegg entered the ship together to formalise the agreement that from this day onwards, earth and Tillippia were on cordial terms, and Jack was accepted, even revered, as the earth’s official representative. It was quite an honour.
Ianto and his opposite number had to remain where they were, standing to attention, still as statues, their eyes respectively downcast, until their superiors emerged almost an hour later. There followed a thankfully much shorter ceremony of leave-taking, then Ianto and the Tillippian aide stepped forward, bowed to each other’s superior, then to each other, then gathered up the gifts, and returned to their places, walking backwards since turning their backs would have been considered unforgivably rude. Ianto was relieved to manage that without tripping on the uneven ground. Such a mishap might have ruined everything.
The Verdegg and hir overloaded aide took one step back onto the end of the ramp, which rose slowly and was withdrawn into the ship. Jack and Ianto remained right where they were as the ship lifted lightly from the ground, rose silently and with supreme grace into the air, and departed so fast it was gone almost before they could blink.
Ianto lowered his load of gifts to the grass and sat down heavily, his elaborate robes fanning out around him. “Ooh, my feet! Standing in one place for so long is torture, especially in these sandals.” They were a bit like flip-flops, but instead of rubber or foam plastic, they were made of a rather scratchy fibre.
Jack patted his shoulder. “You wait there while I fetch our shoes, then we’ll head back to the SUV.” The two of them had left their own footwear behind some rocks, well out of sight. Walking all the way to the meeting place from where they’d parked would have been impossible in their ceremonial footwear; the ground was too rugged.
“Thanks. I’m just glad I could wear the robes over my own clothes. Might have been a bit draughty otherwise. Still, I’m glad it’s over.”
“So am I. You were perfect.” Jack put Ianto shoes beside his lover and sat down to change into his own boots. “I’m proud of you.”
“And so you should be, although you drilled me in everything long enough to make sure I wouldn’t make any mistakes.” Ianto smiled in satisfaction. “Sun will be coming up soon. Looks like we made it through the night in one piece.”
“Yes we did. We should celebrate.” Jack was all smiles now, back to his usual self, bright and breezy, full of confidence.
Ianto felt wrung out. “The only thing I want to do now is go home and grab a few hours’ sleep. Celebrating can wait a while.”
“You can sleep while I drive. You’ve earned it.” Jack offered Ianto a hand up.
“Thank you.” Ianto sighed. “Unfortunately, we still have a three-mile hike back to the car with all this.” He gestured to the pile of gifts Jack had been given, then abandoning them for the moment, made his way over to the rocks that had concealed their shoes, and a few other things, lifting a backpack onto the flat top of the biggest rock and opening it. “Good thing I brought coffee.” He pulled out a flask and set it to one side before removing his robes, folding them, and putting them away. It wouldn’t do for them to get damaged; they might be needed again someday.
Jack took off his own robes, started to bundle them up, and then, at a disapproving look from his lover, shook them out and folded them properly. “Sorry.”
“I should think so! What would the Verdegg think of you treating ceremonial robes in such a manner?”
“The Verdegg is the alien version of a stuffed shirt,” Jack grumbled. “I hope it will be a long time before we get another visit from Tillippia.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Ianto poured coffee into two cups.
“Thank you. Not just for the coffee, but for agreeing to be my aide tonight. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“Just doing my job. Someone has to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.”
“And there is no one I would trust more to have my back.” Jack raised his cup of coffee in a toast. “To us.”
“And to the Verdegg,” Ianto added wryly. “May hir house prosper. At least that way, if they come back again, we’ll be dealing with the same people.”
“Better the devil you know,” Jack agreed, grinning, as he and Ianto perched on the rocks to drink their coffee.
It had been a long night, and it wasn’t quite over yet, but as the sky to the east turned delicate shades of pink and gold, it seemed they could look forward to a beautiful day. It was almost a shame Ianto planned on sleeping through the first part of it.
The End
